Guilt
by leigh.m5576
Summary: Guilt comes with a side of shame and disappointment and some grief mixed in too. Guilt feels like it makes time slow down, like every minute is an eternity. Every passing second the weight in your chest grows just that little bit. The only thing that can take it away is not just a promise that everything is going to be alright, but the reality that everything actually is.


**Hey guys, just letting you know that this story is set in City of Glass.  
It's about what would have happened if Clary had slept with Sebastian instead of just kissing him on their little 'date'.  
I know it's not that clear in the story but yes they do sleep together.  
Everything before this is exactly the same.  
In some bits of the story I have mixed in some of Cassandra Clare's words, and I have tweaked the plot and story line to fit my own but the same large events are still going to happen…  
If you have read the books enough you will probs recognise which ones are hers I DID NOT WRITE THEM. All characters, plot and some of the words all belong to Cassandra. Enjoy ****  
(The story starts off when Clary and Seb are at the Fairchild Manor)**

…**Rewiews welcome because I love to know what you all think!... **

Reflexively she shut her eyes as his lips brushed gently over hers, sending shivers through her. A sudden fierce longing to be held and kissed in a way that would make her forget everything else surged through her. She put her arms around his neck, partly to steady herself, partly to pull him closer. All her neglected feeling seemed to be flowing though her fingertips, out into oblivion. The feeling of Sebastian's soft lips blocked out everything else that mattered, the only thing she could process was his hands gripping her waist. And she liked it. She liked it so much there was nothing telling her to stop, and so it continued. Sebastian was everywhere, touching her body, kissing her neck and breathing onto her exposed skin. It was so wonderfully forbidden that Clary let everything happen. The problem was that she didn't stop to think of the terrible, crushing consequences that would follow. So when she scrambled to dress herself afterwards, Clary felt dazed and dizzy. Her short burst of ignorance was over. It was time to face the world.

"Your brother is here to see you. He's waiting for you in the kitchen."  
"_Jace_ is here?" Clary fought to keep her face even and astonishment off her expression. There was no point showing how raw she was feeling in front of Luke's sister. After returning through portal Clary was exhausted on so many levels. Amatis was looking at her curiously "Should I have not let him in? I thought you'd want to see him"  
"No, it's fine," Clary said, maintaining her even tone with some difficulty. "I'm just tired."  
"Huh" Amatis looked as if she didn't believe it. "Well I'll be upstairs if you want me. I need a nap." Deep panic rose over Clary. Jace was in the kitchen wanting to see her. She couldn't handle him, not right now in the midst of her pain and guilt. Her heart sped up and contracted at the same time, and Clary could feel her breathing become laboured. She couldn't face him! But in all her flurry she knew he was not leaving without seeing her. If only he knew what she had done.

Jace was seated lazily on a chair when Clary edged into the kitchen. "Good" he said "you're back. I was beginning to think you'd fallen into a canal." Clary stared at him wordless. Jace had no idea what was running though her mind. The dirty images that now tainted her thoughts. She looked down and rubbed her temples. Clary wondered idly if she was going insane. Were extreme cases of dread and guilt considered a mental condition? "You look exhausted " he added. "Where were you last night?" Clary looked further away, like avoiding his gaze could hide her disgust with herself. "I was out with Sebastian"  
"_Sebastian?" _His look of utter astonishment was momentarily gratifying. Then she remembered what had happened and a weight dragged her stomach down. "Yes" was all she said. Clary could feel Jace's gaze on her, his eyes burning into her thoughts. "Clary?" he asked and Clary swore his voice was almost anxious. "Look at me" She closed her eyes. Too many emotions were running through her system, too many thoughts that needed to be untangled. Clary had endured his presence all she could. But she needed desperately to escape. "I'll be in my room" she said quietly and walked up the stairs leaving Jace staring at her shadow. She gazed out the window and watched as Jace slammed the front door closed and stalked away, finally leaving Clary to mourn alone.

Guilt is a funny feeling. It comes with a side of shame and disappointment and some grief mixed in too. Guilt feels like it makes time slow down, like every minute is an eternity. Every passing second the weight in your chest grows just that little bit. The only thing that can take it away is not just a promise that everything is going to be alright, but the reality that everything actually is. When she awoke in the morning, what she had so rashly done with Sebastian was all she could think about. As Clary walked through the streets of Alicante on the way to the Penhallows, she felt guilt like she never had before. Not for the first time, Clary wished her mother was here to comfort her. She needed someone she could spill her every worry to, someone who would listen and understand. If only she could locate the book of white. It seemed like everything was if only these days. If only Sebastian didn't take her to the Manor house. If only she could see past her grief enough to make the right decisions. Now she had to live with the consequences. Words randomly echoed in her head. _Manor house. Book of white. _Clary stopped in her tracks, resulting in some passing people to stop and look at her strangely. She immediately pulled out her steele, turning it in her hands. Certain of her decision, Clary carefully drew a portal on the side of an old brick building and stepped through, into the hazy ripples that would take her any place she wanted.

The Wayland manor looked different in real life than it did in the old vintage picture she had spotted in Jace's room back at the institute. It was somehow even more ancient looking. Clary shivered slightly and wrapped her arms around herself. It was cold, like the memories and destruction that left its mark was sucking up all the warmth. The old door creaked when Clary cautiously pushed it open. Peering down the abandoned hallway, she pulled out her witchlight stone that Jace had given her in the greenhouse. A shudder of memory ran through her chest. Summoning her wits, Clary explored the manor; looking for bookshelves and studies where she could possibly find the item she sought. A small book proved to be hard to find in such a towering building. Finally out of luck she stumbled upon the library. Deciding she had searched all other stashes of books in the manor she scanned the shelves for a cookbook. After three rows of unsuccessful searching, an average sized book with a blue binding caught her eye. Simple recipes for housewives, the cover was labelled exactly as described by the warlock. Clary yanked it out of its perch and flipped over the cover. A large hole had been cut out of the centre of the book. Fitted into the hold like a jewel in a bezel was a smaller volume, about the size of a small chapbook, bound in white leather with the title printed in gilded Latin letters. Clary recognised the words 'white' and 'book' but when she lifted it out and opened it, to her surprise the pages were covered with thin spidery handwriting in a language she couldn't understand. Deciding to leave the translating to Magnus the shut the small book and slipped it slyly into her jacket pocket. Clary turned ready to leave the manor, her mission completed when a book on the shelf above caught her eye. The letters J.C.M were printed on the outside of a ratty looking binded book. Curiosity took the better of her, so Clary stretched to reach the book high on the shelf. Seeing the dusty cover she released one hand to swish it off. Due to Clary's excellent gift to be able to fling anything out of her hand, the book when flying towards the ground. It landed with a thud and another cloud of surrounding dust, and just as Clary cursed her clumsiness a thundering noise erupted behind her. A large gaping doorway stood menacingly black, where a cracked wall had previously been. All Clary could do was stare.

**Next chap up when I can xx**


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